Monthly Meanderings and Spiritual Crossroads

So here I sit in my parents house down in Florida, i packed light this time b/c i knew i wouldnt be down long. i grabbed by book and a deck of cards and left everything else up north. its been odd and i hadnt realized just how much i had gotten used to having ritual space. my altar is my ground, the place where i focus my thoughts and meditate on what i believe and what i want to do... without it ive been a bit sluggish. id like to blame my lack of exposition here and in my Book on that but its deeper and more concerting. i believe that everything i write within it must be a heartfelt reflection of my path and to be fair its still too wonky to nail into a concrete form. Am i pagan, yes. Am i a witch, yes. Do i have a ridiculously complicated view of the divine, maybe. but thats not it.

My problem stems from an online class i took on wicca and the books ive read over the years on witchcraft. my own practice is one of give and take based on what ive found to be expressive in nature, a craft based on my own experiences with the divine and magick. ive tried to expand on it over the years but every where i read it was the same. i even told my friend while in the shoppes of salem so. after a certain point you can open any book on modern witchcraft and wicca especially and their all the same. wicca especially seems watered down for the masses. and when i try to apply what i learn it amounts to very little if anything in my personal book.

Is it wrong of me to want some meat and potatoes with my craft? I certainly dont think so, and i entail no offence to my readers  when i say they'res something off with modern magick. while i believe there is a certain amount of personal will needed, intention only goes so far. magick is about communication with the divine and the forces of creation. building a bridge of communication, a working vocabulary with the universe.

Im looking for meaning, a deeper meaning than ive found in my books or at the bookstores. its about the experience and until i can resonate with a set of practices my book will remain a series of ethics, tables, ritual work, and prayers. i hold it in my hands and feel proud of my accomplishments, of everything ive written and made, but it also feels shallow because im on such shaky grounds with my practice.